Dispatch, June 15, 2004:
Tiffany Parker Named Lil'Miss Sabineland

by V. Lee Parker


Cousin Dwayne’s daughter Tiffani Parker has been named Lil’ Miss Sabineland at the Sabineland Festival.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  First off, I don’t like seeing a six year old made up with mascara and rouge, lip-syncing “Stand By Your Man.”  Second, Tiffani now has the idea that she’s some kind of princess and has this annoying sense of entitlement.

“Lee,” she squeaks, “where’s my Icee and buy me that play-purty while you’re at it.” She points at the toy guns on the rack by the cashier.

Her daddy had to buy her a four-wheeler and a BB gun and take her hunting with him. And her mother waits on her hand and foot and paints her toenails every other day.

Recently, Tiffani had to attend the Tamale Festival as a visiting queen.  She got to ride in a convertible and wave at everyone. Only problem is Tiffani gets car sick and even though the car was creeping along behind the Zwolle Junior High School Marching Band, Tiffani let loose right in the lap of Big Miss Sabineland, Misty Raines.  I have to say Misty maintained her composure and kept on waving and smiling even though she had a lapful of vomit.  Misty will probably be a politician one day.  Tiffani, on the other hand, wanted off in a hurry and practically jumped out of the moving car and into her Pap-paw’s arms right where the family was viewing the parade. Uncle Bernie thought that was real sweet until Tiffani let fly another round on his shoulder.  Then she was ready for a tamale and when Aunt Louann told her no, she’d just thrown up and couldn’t have anything as spicy as a tamale, Tiffani turned on Bernie and Louann and started fighting them like a wildcat, snarling and scratching ‘til her crown was on the ground and her up-do was all messed up and her mascara was smeared from her forehead to her chin.

Dwayne had to snatch her up and load her in the truck and take her home.  She didn’t even get to crown Lil’ Miss Tamale.  And to cap it  off, Misty’s mother, Leandra Raines, called Dwayne about paying for the dry-cleaning of Misty’s soiled gown.  Dwayne’s some hot.