Since I am new to this forum and you don't know me from Adam, and I believe that it's important to know something about the person you rely on for information, let me give you some background information so you know what you are dealing with here.   After all, the Lord wouldn't want you to hang up on me like a New York junk bond salesman.

I am a family man and a businessman. I have several  business interests - most of which involve money.   I graduated from High School and went to school at LS&U.  I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and my parents made me attend every time they opened the doors.  But being a sinful creature, I rebelled against them and everything good, and became a backslider and slacker for many years. I drank, I cussed, I smoked tobacco, and I hung out with all manner of unclean people - loose women, politicians, and Catholics - you get the picture.  Then I met my wife selling peanut brittle in front of the Wal-Mart, back before there was a SuperCenter.  We still had a J. C. Penney and a real Sears Roebuck back then. I think it was the tight dress and big hair that first got my attention.  Then I found out about the fancy underwear.  She took me to her granddaddy's church, where people kinda danced in church and waved at Jesus, and folks spoke in strange languages, and the preacher didn't say anything bad about fornicating.  Anyway, I saw the Light, and here I am 20 years later.  I recanted from sin and got reformed.  And recently I got this Calling:

The Lord moves in mysterious ways. 

The Sisters were in the kitchen preparing yet another batch of peanut brittle for the Church's ongoing fundraiser to help buy a bigger sign on IH-10 so that we can witness to the thousands of godless heathens and Catholics who zip by in their fancy BMWs on that highway that leads to Hell and California, and I was reading with disgust a Tuesday edition of the local newspaper which usually takes about 5 minutes.

When I heard the Call, I recalled a quote from the Book that says, "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free", and I resolved right there in the Lazy-Boy drinking a Fresca in front of the Curtis-Mathes that I would report the true happenings of our community, because the local media is now owned and controlled by the Alabama State Teacher's Retirement System, and they obviously are incapable of telling the truth or using the Spellchecker button.

Lord knows they can't even get the paper in the yard half the time, and they refused to run the late Sister Beatrice's obituary unless they got paid seventy-five dollars - and she is the woman who invented our world famous peanut brittle recipe (she also managed to keep excellent hair all by herself way up into her eighties - Praise God, you know he loves a woman with big hair)! They had a couple of unmarried painted women running the thing, so they are "of the Devil" as my wife would say anyway.  I briefly thought about offering my services to the paper, but remembered that bit about guilty by association, and didn't think the congregation and the Pastor would approve of me working for a couple of strumpets, one of whom I noticed had a big barbed wire tattoo across her butt. She was wearing cheap drawers too.

On the fourth night of the Revival last summer, the preacher remarked that we were heading for the end of days, and that many prophecies were being fulfilled.  Strange events would unfold before His Return.  I have made it my duty to reveal these things to you, since the Alabama State Teacher's Retirement System doesn't seem to think them significant, or  because they don't want you to know about it, or because they don't know about it because they are laid up somewhere in Alabama trying to run some newspapers in Texas, or because they are Satan's familiars.  Probably a little of all the above here.

Many of the things that I will report on may not be prophesied.  Some might be funny or unusual or even kind of stupid.  They are the truth as it has been revealed to me and anyone else who happens to be standing around. 

Consider this Carrot deal, which went totally unreported ...