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Here Comes the Bride
by Marcia Mascolini If you didn't get flu last winter, you have my niece, Margaret Louise Kessel, to thank. She was the bench chemist responsible for measuring, shaking, and baking the concoction that made up the shots. She is a precise young woman. She used these skills plus the organizational abilities of a field marshal to plan her own wedding. ML is a good Catholic, so she knew her wedding was a one-time event, and it was going to be perfect if she had anything to do with it. It was to be a traditional wedding, no surprise there. ML's plans read like a grant proposal complete with budget. Every single part of the plan had a corresponding budget item. No deviations would be tolerated, which was exactly when the first deviation arose. ML called her parish priest to set the date for the wedding. No problem. She got the date she wanted because she booked early. The "donation" for the conferral of the sacrament was agreed upon. "And will the happy couple be showered with rice?" asked Fat Father Ralph. "Of course the happy couple will be showered with rice. It's traditional." "The rice will cost $50 more." Rice was not in the budget. Certainly not $50-worth of rice. What did a bag of rice cost? 87 cents at the Giant. ML suggested supplying her own rice. "Ah, but it's not the rice, it's the cleanup," said Father Ralph. She would have to think about it, ML told the priest. Her mother, Jill, and I were flattered when ML mentioned the rice problem. It was the first time she had asked our advice on any wedding-related subject. "If Ralph Baxter thinks I'm paying $50 for rice cleanup, he's nuts." That's how she put it. "Why so much?" Jill asked. "To quote Father, it's because the godless atheists in the Fish & Game Commission demand that every single grain of rice be removed, lest the birds eat it and explode." I suggested throwing almonds instead of rice. Candied almonds were the projectile of choice at Italian weddings, I explained. ML sneered as much as respect for her elders allowed. "Do you think I want to get bombarded with almonds? Besides, what if Darin has a paper-thin skull, like the victim on Jessica Fletcher last night?" "I can clean up the rice," I said quickly, before my sister and I burst out laughing. I'd bring my own broom and dustpan, and if that didn't suit the godless atheists, I'd use the car vac to suck up rice from the spaces between the sidewalks. ML would not hear of her mother's sister, her oldest aunt and godmother, cleaning sidewalks at her wedding. I offered the $50 in lieu of service. Jill offered the $50 in lieu of further discussion. We conferred; we compromised. Each of us would contribute $25. A little smile lit ML's face. She conceded graciously. After the wedding, we'd expected to see a large, environmentally safe rice remover cleaning up for our $50. Instead we saw Father Ralph wielding his broom. "Well, you have to admit Father is large and environmentally safe. Maybe he'll shed a few pounds with the sweeping" was all Jill said. |
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