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The Parker Way:
Why Dorothy Parker could whip
Ernest Hemingway
By Dwayne Parker
First off, I ain’t never known a Parker to fight fair so I’d say
Dorothy
Parker has a natural advantage. Being a Parker myself and
well-acquainted with fighting dirty (I learned from the best – my uncle
Elgin “Elbows” Parker who’s renowned for elbowing his opponents in the
eye socket in order to obtain an early advantage), I would recommend
that Miss Parker set up a clever trap for Mr. Hemingway. Now,
I’ve seen on TV about those cats old Ernie kept in Key West – they got
six toes on each foot or something weird like that. What Miss
Parker ought to do is get her a nice humane animal trap and start
catching those little suckers with a dab of Fancy Feast – that’s the
gourmet cat food they show on TV in the crystal serving dish.
There’s no need for the crystal – Miss Parker just needs to
chunk a good-sized wad of it in the trap. Trust me – I know -
this works for coons and possums too. A cat will rush into a trap
for that Fancy Feast. It’s like feeding sugar cookies to a baby.
Once she’s kidnapped enough cats for Mr. H to start noticing and
calling here kitty kitty outside, that’s Miss Parker’s time to
pounce. She’ll have a distressed, unfocused opponent.
Believe me, if he’s wondering about his cats, he’s not going to expect
Miss Parker to jump out of the bushes. And she might ask Wallace
Stevens to join her seeing as he’s got an axe to grind. And since
it ain’t fair, two against one is definitely the Parker way. If
Mr. Stevens has any reservations, Miss Parker can remind him that while
the Lord says vengeance is Mine, I shall repay, ain’t no one, not even
the Man Upstairs, going to begrudge Mr. Stevens a few licks upside the
head of a man that beat him to the ground. And last of all, Miss
Parker ought not forget that she’ll probably have the empty liquor
bottle she just got done draining, which’ll be real handy and give her
the upper hand right from the start.
Ain’t no doubt about it. Miss Parker’s a shoe-in.
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