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The Parker Way:
Why Dorothy Parker could whip Ernest Hemingway By Dwayne Parker First off, I ain’t never known a Parker to fight fair so I’d say Dorothy Parker has a natural advantage. Being a Parker myself and well-acquainted with fighting dirty (I learned from the best – my uncle Elgin “Elbows” Parker who’s renowned for elbowing his opponents in the eye socket in order to obtain an early advantage), I would recommend that Miss Parker set up a clever trap for Mr. Hemingway. Now, I’ve seen on TV about those cats old Ernie kept in Key West – they got six toes on each foot or something weird like that. What Miss Parker ought to do is get her a nice humane animal trap and start catching those little suckers with a dab of Fancy Feast – that’s the gourmet cat food they show on TV in the crystal serving dish. There’s no need for the crystal – Miss Parker just needs to chunk a good-sized wad of it in the trap. Trust me – I know - this works for coons and possums too. A cat will rush into a trap for that Fancy Feast. It’s like feeding sugar cookies to a baby. Once she’s kidnapped enough cats for Mr. H to start noticing and calling here kitty kitty outside, that’s Miss Parker’s time to pounce. She’ll have a distressed, unfocused opponent. Believe me, if he’s wondering about his cats, he’s not going to expect Miss Parker to jump out of the bushes. And she might ask Wallace Stevens to join her seeing as he’s got an axe to grind. And since it ain’t fair, two against one is definitely the Parker way. If Mr. Stevens has any reservations, Miss Parker can remind him that while the Lord says vengeance is Mine, I shall repay, ain’t no one, not even the Man Upstairs, going to begrudge Mr. Stevens a few licks upside the head of a man that beat him to the ground. And last of all, Miss Parker ought not forget that she’ll probably have the empty liquor bottle she just got done draining, which’ll be real handy and give her the upper hand right from the start. Ain’t no doubt about it. Miss Parker’s a shoe-in. |
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