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A Letter I Really Didn't Receive
Fictional correspondence from
the fictional town of Maureaux,
Louisiana,
regarding Mardi Gras, 2003.
by Edwin Rawlsen
Dear Mr. Rawlsen:
We received your letter complaining of your treatment at the hands of
the Maureaux Police Department shortly after the commencement of our
Mardi Gras parade this year. We are considering your suggestion
that we discontinue the practice of summary incarceration of those who,
through considerable effort, become obvious and offensive to law
enforcement officers during Mardi Gras celebrations.
Be assured that, in the unlikely event that we change our policies, it
will be a result of thoughtful and careful deliberations by our
civic leaders, and not a result of any threats you made involving the
ACLU. We are not afraid of the ACLU. See our practices
concerning prayer in school, etc.
We would like to point out that there are advantages to being
incarcerated without charge, paperwork, or any formality. Because
no one took down your name, your letters to us are the only
documentation that you were ever in any kind of trouble here. We
are taking your word for it that you were even misbehaving here and
reprimanded at all. You will not have a criminal record as a
result of any incident here. Rejoice in that. In addition,
you will have no court dates requiring you to travel here from
Cambridge, Massachusetts where you apparently now live. Although
we do not generally extradite people from faraway lands such as
Massachusetts, we do issue bench warrants. Law students, such as
yourself, have been known to have difficulties with graduation-related
red tape, bar applications and like matters when it appears
that warrants for their arrest are outstanding.
I would think that a law student such as yourself would prefer not to
have any memory or record of the fact that you ever literally and
figuratively showed your fanny here, and all parties involved will
be better off if you do not show your fanny here again in any literal
or figurative sense.
Sincerely,
Byron G. “Bass” Theriot
Chief Constable
Maureaux, Louisiana
BG"B"T/rmd
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