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Ten Things I Have Done at Mardi Gras
that were Unkind or Unwise By
Patrice Delahomme
1. Attended a Mardi Gras ball and, while using the ladies’ room, made a wise crack about the queen of the ball to my friend in the other stall, while unbeknownst to me the queen’s mother waited for the next available toilet. 2. Wandered away from my parents on St. Charles Avenue and Napoleon and walked all the way to Lee Circle where I took up with a nice group of hippies who talked about “adopting” me and bringing me back to California. 3. Mistook Danny Glover, who was riding in the Zulu parade, for Lou Gosset, Jr and called out to him, “Hey Lou, loved you in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman.’” 4. Saw New Orleans native Richard Simmons, who, if you can believe it, did not want to be noticed. Screamed out, “Hey everybody, it’s Richard Simmons!” whereupon a mob formed and people asked to see him sweat to the oldies. 5. Ripped long beads out of a four-year-old’s hands. Excuse: beads had skulls with flashing green lights. Very cool and too scary for a four-year-old. 6. Stomped hand of elderly man to obtain a Proteus doubloon. Excuse: they were stingy with the doubloons that year and it was my last chance to get one. 7. Got into a shoving match over a large stuffed bear with a bear-sized woman. No excuse. Was sternly warned by NOPD officer. 8. Went to the French Quarter on Mardi Gras Day and saw things that should never be spoken of. 9. Told Aunt Shirley what I really think of the chicken salad sandwiches she brings to the Rex parade. 10. Encouraged strangers in search of porta-potties to make use of the side of Cousin Elvin’s St. Charles Avenue home, which my father, not Elvin, should have inherited. |
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