|
Submit
your questions
for Dr. Tweety by e-mail to: editors@spillwayreview.com. The editors have an urgent need for a photo of a canary (preferably yellow) using a computer. If you have such a photo, please send it ASAP to the above e-mail address. Dear Dr. Tweety, If you recall, sometime last year I wrote to you about how my host family was refusing to provide adequate opportunities for me to socialize with other canaries. You recommended that I completely alienate myself from my family as soon as possible. At the next opportunity, I flew the coop. Now I find myself loitering around busy intersections with a tiny cardboard sign around my neck saying "Will do light typing for birdseed." Certainly my prospects of meeting canary companions have NOT improved. I just wanted to let you know that your advice was terrible. Your species member, Budgie, former pet of the Rudesbrudes Family Dr. Tweety's response: OK, people (I say people because that's what you are, people, NOT canaries). I'm sure it is a lot of fun pretending to be a canary. I can tell how much fun it is from the mountains of mail I get from ersatz canaries. My inbox is full of it, so I finally decided to publish an example and get this issue out into the open. When I see you being interviewed on Oprah, I MIGHT believe you are a member of my species. Until then, grow up. By the way, "Budgie," I believe that any previous request for advice was sent to another celebrity doctor who is very fond of suggesting that people sever relationships with their families. In fact she refused to speak to her own mother for several years. The mother eventually died and some months went by before anyone noticed. Try to at least get the address straight next time, and maybe you'll get some good advice. Dear Dr. Tweety: What should I do with all these rejection letters I've been receiving? On the one hand, I hate to throw them away because I'd like to show my biographer how I struggled when I was just starting out. On the other hand, what if I never have a biographer? Signed, Felicity Wranglebury Dear Ms. Wranglebury, Being the uncommonly successful canary that I am, I have never received a rejection, in letter form or otherwise (knock on wood). However, I have a dear friend who has had this unfortunate experience several times. I generally recommend that she save the letters because she is planning to become famous. On several occasions she has not saved the letters and kindly allowed me to use them as lining for my canary roost, which worked out very nicely. In asking around, I have discovered that most authors who are eventually successful receive loads of rejection letters in the meantime. I heard of one author who sent her work to thirty publishers and got fifty rejection letters. Some of the nasty publishers sent out several rejection letters to make extra sure she got the message. This persistent woman published the book herself and the book has since been made into a movie. I heard her talking about it on the radio, so I believe that it is a true story. If your writing is not accepted for publication, send your work somewhere else. Keep in mind that many of the people who write these rejection letters are quite dense. |
|
  Dr. Tweety O’Sweetie, the most knowledgeable canary in the United States, holds a Doctorate in the field of Family Togetherness from The California State Institute of Self-Help. Dr. Tweety enjoys hobnobbing with certain other celebrity self-help doctors who use their first names. Dear Dr. Tweety, I have writer's block. Do you have any suggestions? Signed, Blockhead Dear Blockhead, Just think of something that has irritated or amused you. Change the names and some details, and stretch things a little, and you're in business. Don't make it too long. Make the ending interesting if possible. Don't start cleaning the house or doing yard work under any circumstances. Dear Dr. Tweety, I don't want to clean house or work at a regular paying job. I only want to stay home and write stories and do artwork. Do you have any hints or tips? Yours, Creative Sloth Dear Sloth, That's a tough one. Since I am a canary and a celebrity, I don't do any housework 0r other mundane work whatsoever. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I highly recommend being reincarnated as a smarter-than-normal canary. Dear Dr. Tweety, I have a “friend” at work who invited me and most other humans on the planet to her wedding. She made it clear that all attending were to submit certain expensive gifts from gift registries or cash of similar value, no exceptions. This woman is a professional with about seven years of college and has her own professional practice, which I’m not going to describe further because I don’t want anyone to recognize her. I didn’t want to get her anything or go to this wedding, but for whatever reason, I decided to get her something that wasn’t on the registry. It still cost more than I planned to spend, and I still haven’t gotten a thank you note, so I’m not even sure that she got it. I put it on a table at the reception with some other gifts. What if someone pilfered it? What if my card got lost so she doesn’t know who to thank for the gift? How can I find out if she got the gift without seeming to upbraid her for not thanking me? Is she just being rude by not acknowledging my gift? Maybe she’s not sending thank you notes for rule-violating non-cash gifts that weren’t on the registry? Yours, Wanting Thanks Dear Wanting, Sadly, the practice of not sending thank you notes is so common that there is no way that your professional “friend” will recognize herself as a distinct individual in the crowd. To answer your questions: Your “friend” is just being rude. There is very little to be done about it. Eventually there will be an awkward moment of you asking her if she got the gift, and you will unjustly feel rude for asking. Most people who are concerned about this type of thing are not so rude themselves as to retaliate. Suppose you had a birthday or an anniversary coming up. You could invite the “rude” friend and include in her invitation (and not the invitation of the other guests) a note indicating where you are registered and what gifts you expect. I think it is pretty easy to “register” at these gift registry places. If she complies and gives you a gift, you could not write her a thank you note, or immediately write her a grand thank you note to show her how it’s done. I am confident that you are too polite to do such a thing, however. |
|
Something
Else To Worry
About
Dr. Tweety,
I just found out that my
husband has been “called” as a missionary and
wants to go to Mongolia for two years, leaving me to finish raising our
teenage children in the meantime. Our boy recently dyed his hair
blue
and is reading Nietzsche, and our daughter does nothing but examine her
complexion and cry. I am an emergency room nurse, and things are
stressful enough at work without all of the turmoil at home. I
hope
you have some helpful suggestions.
Signed, Worried Pansy O'Sweetie, assistant to Dr. Tweety, responds: Dear Readers, As many of you may know, I have been assisting Dr. Tweety for several years. Worried’s letter is one of several Dr. Tweety has received about the stressful lives many of us lead these days. Surprisingly, I suggest that the solution may be something ELSE to worry about. With something ELSE to worry about, the original worry seems smaller. Although Dr. Tweety is not in the business of giving people something else to worry about, I have taken it upon myself to provide a list of something else to worry about, as a service to readers. Something Else
to worry about: links -- use your back button to return to the Dr. Tweety page 1. The Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus -- Read and rejoice that your species isn't on the brink of extinction. Fortunately, there have been some tree octopus sightings. The website tells you how to become a friend of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, and offers Friends of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus (FOTPNWTO) this distinctive symbol for use on websites or in e-mails:  Coming soon -- more to worry about!
|