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Snookum’s
Speechwriter
By Elaine K. Fuentes If Brice Parm had prayed for several years for something entertaining to do, it is doubtful that too many things could have answered that prayer more successfully than the job of speech writing for Sneed “Snookum” Smallen. Brice Parm was by his own estimation the most intelligent person in Mason County. He was an expert on harpsichord music, played the harpsichord and the viola, and traveled regularly to Europe. He did not belong in Mason County, and it was something of a mystery as to why he had returned to the town after receiving a Masters Degree in Music from Oberlin. Surely some of the attraction for Brice was simply the knowledge that he was infinitely smarter than the populace. The stupidity of the townspeople amused him and made him feel powerful. The town needed him too. At the local bridge and Mah Jong games (yes, some ladies played Mah Jong), Brice Parm and his society page articles filled many gaps in the conversation. “Good thing he went to ‘Vicksburg Burning’ again this year. I couldn’t hear a thing. I’d just as soon read about it the next day anyway -- it’s more funny,” said Mrs. “Bones” Johnson at a bridge game when the topic of Brice’s review of the recent outdoor dinner theater Civil War reenactment was discussed. “From reading about it, he’s a martyr for sitting through it. He should have come in our little pavilion under the mosquito netting. He would have been safe from the performance,” said Dr. Tootie “Margaret” Barnes. They loved him, as long as he wasn’t writing about them. “Now why isn’t he married?” This question was asked absolutely without fail at every bridge or Mah Jong game, and the question was never answered. The question of Brice’s marital status had become a ritual, and after the question, the ladies always looked at each other over their reading glasses and paused the game. When Brice Parm accepted the job as speech writer for Sneed “Snookum” Smallen, the first thing he did was make Snookum do a few speeches on his own. He told Snookum that no speechwriter was needed. He was sure that Snookum was capable of giving a fine speech already, or so he told Snookum. He went to a School Board meeting where Snookum was going to have to speak. When Snookum began to speak, Brice took out a little pad and started taking notes. The little note pad was one of the things that the townspeople liked about Brice. He had the kind of little pad a reporter was supposed to have. While Snookum was speaking, Brice noticed all the little trouble areas. Snookum tended to trip up on alliteration. “Terrorist Tactics” for example would certainly cause Snookum to have to restart on one word, or maybe on the whole sentence. Brice also noticed a lot of vocabulary problems, instances where it was obvious that Snookum used words without appreciating their meaning. Brice wrote down all of the little problems that Snookum was having with the speech, and when it came time to write a speech for Snookum, the speech Brice wrote was loaded up examples of Snookums problem areas. By the next School Board meeting, Snookum was using new and interesting phrases - professional speechwriter-sounding phrases like: “This is the Mason County story—a story of flawed and fallible people, united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals.” Brice had braced himself for having to look up all the words for Snookum and coach him into not stuttering quite so much. Brice expected Snookum to complain that this was not the style of speech that was effective at School Board meetings. Brice would not have been surprised if Snookum had asked for his money back. However, Snookum never came close to admitting that he didn’t understand all of the words in the speeches, and that they didn’t come naturally to him. He felt smart and proud using Brice’s words and was an entirely satisfied customer. No coaching was requested. Snookum made no effort to memorize the speeches or speak extemporaneously based on the speeches. He just read them, stumbling around a bit in his new puffed up voice. “I would be presumptuous to present myself against ‘Bones’ Johnson, to whom you have listened, if this were a mere measuring of abilities, but this is not a contest between persons. The humblest citizen in all the land, when clad in the armor of a righteous cause, is stronger than all the hosts of error. I come to speak to you in defense of a cause as holy as the cause of liberty -- the cause of the two mil pot hole assessment,” responded Snookum in a debate held at the VFW Hall. Snookum thought that Brice had cooked up the inspiring phrases on his own, and was in awe of Brice’s genius. However, laziness was an art form for Brice. He simply lifted the phrases from famous speeches. He and Snookum would meet, and Snookum would tell him his positions on the various issues, and Brice would just put the glorious phrases around the issues like trimming around a turkey. It was all harmless fun. Snookum won by an slim margin, perhaps a slimmer margin than he would have had without the ridiculous speeches. There were scandalous accusations and the votes had to be recounted, but that’s another story. |
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